Looking for a miracle.
Some few years ago, when this group was started, a good friend suggested the title. “The voice of poverty and disability.” That voice is often silent in its pain. It seeks and listens more than it finds and expresses.
In the years since, my poverty has become less desperate, while the disability remains. I have sought answers for what ails me. I have read many articles, watched many videos and listened to many shared thoughts and feelings. Through it all, a quiet, observant part of me has simply watched.
I have found no answers to the mysteries of the universe. I have witnessed no cures, miraculous or mundane. I have seen and experienced suffering in many different ways – and lately I see it more than I ever did before. In the eyes of strangers.
It makes me wonder about meaning and purpose. About those answers I have sought, desperately at times, about my pleas and demands to the universe that have gone without reply.
I have sought Gods. Magic. Mysticism. Truth. I have sought out something, anything, that might help to confirm my need for something to exist, or matter, in the grand scheme of things. I have observed the world becoming an uglier place. I have observed great suffering – in the many articles, books and videos I have gone through.
Yet somehow, I cannot stop. Though at times the search seems pointless and I feel bitter and cynical beyond hope. I still search. I meditate in search of a higher purpose, center or guide. I pray on occasion to whom it may concern. I look for cures to what ails me.
I have tried many things over the years – both classic medicine and various types of alternative therapy. Through it all… the toll on my mind – and perhaps my spirit (if I have such a thing) grows heavier.
There is a part of my psyche that has no doubts. It is not a warm or peaceful center. It is a cold truth. That the world we live in is dying. That for every search, what I sought has not been found. That greed, selfishness and cruelty tend to be the way of the world.
On some level… I know that there are good people. People who give a damn and keep on trying… on another…
I see that there is no cure, really – and that every treatment is of dubious value when the sickness is within your mind. Perhaps even within your soul.
I see well meaning, overwhelmed practitioners of the various medicines and psychotherapies – who are, in truth, trained to hide their own disappointment. Their own pain, their own cynicism about a civilization that grows ever more sick.
Perhaps it is arrogant to think that I matter enough for anything to matter. Perhaps we are but drops of water in an ocean of vast space, ultimately insignificant.
But I don’t really believe that. Trouble is, I can’t seem to find much worth believing in.
Not sure really why I write this, other than perhaps to share my own disappointment. At one time, I did see the world as a brighter place. Such a hopeful future in which anything at all might be possible.
Now I feel that… That a final sort of darkness approaches us all – and that I can do nothing to stop it.
Do you pray? Do you feel that a deity answers? Have you found something in your own search? Is this crazier than my usual rants?
Have you found meaning? Purpose? I struggle to see beyond the mundane and the terrible. Most of the time I cannot.
July 12, 2021 at 3:05 PM #434641Pam2Participant
- Total Posts: 8,896
I don’t think anything is wrong with your soul. I believe “mental illness” is caused from a chemical imbalance of some kind.
I’m an atheist so I don’t pray. The only thing I can suggest is trying to help others. It’s the best way to take your mind off your own problems. Do you have an elderly neighbor that needs help with something? Is there a vacant lot you can clean up? Plant a tree? We can’t solve all the world’s problems but maybe you can make a difference where you live. Remember the old slogan? Think globally, act locally.
July 12, 2021 at 3:12 PM #434642GZeusHParticipant
- Total Posts: 4,262
You know the old saying: “You can lead a horse to water, but even if you hit him in the ass with a lightning bolt, you can’t make him drink.”
Corporate America consists of totalitarian entities laser-focused on short-term greed.
July 12, 2021 at 4:30 PM #434655
@pam2 as to what causes mental illness. Unfortunately there are few facts – irrefutable evidence, proof, etc.
The most prevailing theory is that depression is caused by a serotonin imbalance. Anxiety is perhaps a mix of serotonin and neuropenephrine. Panic attacks are supposed to be a… switch flipped in the amygdala, that makes our brain misfire with its fight or flight response/trigger.
Lots of theories… but facts are hard to come by. It isn’t something for which we can run a series of physical tests and say “ah hah! There is the cause!” It is guess work for the most part.
I have volunteered in the past – and consider doing so occasionally, but right now, just being me is too much.
July 12, 2021 at 4:41 PM #434658
Sorry, blasphemy is an old hobby. You know if you zap that horse while he is taking a drink you’ll fry his ass.
I don’t really expect a deity to answer. I mock them a lot, which is pointless if they don’t exist, but some times amusing.
Still, at least an unexplainable lightning bolt in the ass would be something.
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.