Losing my mind
David the GnomeParticipant
- Total Posts: 3,230
JPR has often been a place of refuge for me, a sanctuary where I have been able to share my thoughts and feelings with those I truly believe are wonderful people. We have had our disagreements on occasion – but nevertheless, there is no one here I would consider less than a friend.
I feel today, like I have to write this, almost as if another were forcing my hand.
Most days I no longer feel emotion. Sadness, irritation on occasion, but for the most part I feel nothing. This is a state of being that is indescribably shitty. In 35 years of life, I have accomplished very little. I am a failure as a Father – I left my son with his mother many years ago – I have not seen him for fifteen years. He was 2 when I left. This is unforgivable and if I could feel I would thoroughly despise myself for it. I was young then, only 19, but my conscience demands nothing less than that I condemn myself. Somewhere in my mind are many excuses… I have post traumatic stress, a few anxiety disorders, depression, bipolar, whatever. Frankly, I’m a failure – regardless of all of that.
I have let down my family too many times to count. I have no friends outside of the internet – none who are even a little bit close to knowing me. I have a fiancé… and my immediate family. To most of the rest of the world I am invisible. That suits me fine… most of the time.
I have spent my whole life searching for the impossible, the mystical and the magical, having grown up addicted to fantasy and science fiction. I have searched out everything I can about such things and been left wanting. If there is no spirit to me, no being that is greater than flesh and bone, then I see little point in this whole absurd life, on this terrible rock we call earth. There is so much suffering, so much pain, so much that is terrible that I have become numb to most of it.
Today… has been a hard day. I’ve been binge reading, as I call it, for some time. Even my beloved books no longer wake my passions as they once did… for the most part, I feel nothing. It took a massive effort today, just to decide not to throw it all away. Understand that at this moment I have no desire to harm myself. I feel though, that I am losing what little sanity or pleasure remained to me and have become hopeless.
I share all of this here because I had to share it somewhere – and there is no group, or person, outside of JPR that I think would know me well enough to begin to grasp my thoughts and feelings. If anyone here can, even. I feel unknown, invisible, lost, pathetic… but these are not “feelings” as such, only acknowledgements. Pathetic ones at that. I want to apologize sincerely for being a lesser person than I should be.
Perhaps I’ll check myself in to a psych ward, or a crisis unit… but I am not sure, no thoughts of suicide at the moment. Besides, been there, done that, could write books about it. Twenty years of therapy, useless medication – and a life that often feels like a big bowl of nothing.
Forgive me for my self pity and laziness. I suppose I tried too hard and failed just as hard. Not sure I’ll be able to face any of you again. I am truly a miserable, pathetic human being who has failed at all the important things in life. If I could feel, I would hate myself for it. Instead, I feel more like laughing for some reason.
At the last, I would thank all of you for sharing part of my life, my thoughts and feelings with me, more honestly than most ever have. By reading my words and sharing yourselves with me. Perhaps I am insane, but for some reason I see this as more real than most of my “real life” relationships.
Affection to you all.
July 2, 2019 at 4:36 PM #83070HaikugalModerator
- Total Posts: 2,328
Hi David. Well gee, you aren’t alone in this struggle. I too at times think I’ve failed everyone in my life, including myself, but I always come back to where there’s life, there’s hope. Nothing is written in stone when it comes to outcomes and hope and strength seem to bubble up from some unknown reservoirs.
You are a young man and given time all manner of things can change. I also think that perhaps the model held up in our society and culture doesn’t support or appreciate those of us who tend to be very empathic and feel very deeply the pain in the world. I have shed many tears over it and consequently was told as a teen that I wore my heart on my sleeve and I had to “knock it off!” LOL My family finallly just wrote me off as “weird” and I suppose I am.
Nature helps me stay grounded and connected. I’m working to help wild life and the earth as well as a few people. I have said this before but I wish you lived closer, I’d love to be able to talk to you and hang out. I think loneliness is rampant in our culture and it has been useful for TPTB, it isn’t the result of being unworthy or somehow “less than”.
Your writing here has been so good and well received by our community David…Keep it up. You are heard here and no, I don’t think you’re a wasted life or a failure, a nothing, any more than I am. We are searchers, and sometimes I think we are astronauts exploring an unknown realm. Then again we might both benefit from DMT or Psilocybin for a reset.
I’m probably not making sense but I had to respond. You are a braveheart…keep writing.
July 2, 2019 at 4:40 PM #83071
July 2, 2019 at 5:03 PM #83081
July 2, 2019 at 5:26 PM #83086Ohio BarbarianModerator
- Total Posts: 21,790
All I can say is that you are a damned fine writer and you often make me think, and I dig that. I can’t speak to clinical depression, as I am not subject to it and I don’t know enough about it to make any kinds of prescriptions or suggestions. What worked for me in dealing with situational depression may not work for you.
I do know what it is like to be frustrated, angry, and to feel like a failure. Shit, who doesn’t fuck up when they’re 19? I’m just glad my parents hammered me on using birth control and I really believed them when they said things like “shotgun wedding or surgical removal” of certain body parts.
As for being insane, compare yourself to John Bolton or Donald Trump. Now, those two motherfuckers are insane. You’ll feel better.
It is better to vote for what you want and not get it than to vote for what you don't want and get it.--Eugene Debs
You can jail a revolutionary, but you can't jail the revolution.--Fred Hampton
July 2, 2019 at 7:02 PM #83114GZeusHParticipant
- Total Posts: 4,269
Take a look around, a good look: war, disease, poverty, crime, corruption, pollution, climate change, and Joe Biden wouldn’t change a thing. That’s what’s indescribably shitty, not you; you’re fine. OK, so some things have not worked out well in the past, but you learn from them, and you’ll try not to make those mistakes a second time.
To quote George Carlin, the wise sage, “when you’re born, you’re given a ticket to the freak show; when you’re born in America, you’re given a front row seat.” Sit back and watch the show, maybe with an extra side of laziness.
Corporate America consists of totalitarian entities laser-focused on short-term greed.
July 2, 2019 at 8:25 PM #83151Babel 17Participant
- Total Posts: 5,334
Depression is a real thing.
I’d go for a walk, a short one if that’s all you can handle, a longer one if you’re up to it.
If I were to binge read any favorite books right now it would be Zelazny’s Amber series.
For TV it would be Daredevil, The Punisher, Or Fringe. I just finished watching Jessica Jones.
All of the above have pain, loss, and suffering, in common, and I always get a boost from them.
July 2, 2019 at 10:12 PM #83177
July 2, 2019 at 10:43 PM #83188MistaPParticipant
- Total Posts: 3,066
the worst part about having so many under-40s in the same boat is that it makes you feel more alone: there’s a whole generation with no safety net, no savings, no mortgages even; “It Gets Better” is the worst thing to say to our cohort
we’re fully aware of our predicament, but terrified that there’s only one man who can stand athwart the course of history
(and as for mysticism I cannot recommendenough, he wants to reanimate the mystic Western tradition from its stagnation in the 1910s)
July 3, 2019 at 1:07 AM #83229Utopian LeftistParticipant
- Total Posts: 646
David, I wish I had words of wisdom for you . . . or at least advice that would stand much chance of helping.
What I do have to share with you is experience. My own battle with depression goes back to childhood and a Mother who refused me psychological assistance because she believed that all mental illness was a character defect (
evil witch from Hell).
There is no cure-all for depression. What works for one person does not work for another. I have two main suggestions that you should either take or dismiss, depending on your individuality.
1) What I think has helped me most is the line, “the only way out is through.” Distracting oneself can help keep misery at bay. But until one can be still with the feeling of depression, until we face what is there at its root . . . it never really goes away. Sitting silently with your thoughts (or with no thought) is called ‘meditation’, and meditation helps everyone, even those with depression, greatly, over time, but it rarely provides instant results.
2) Distract yourself with whatever it is you are still able to LOVE. The world doesn’t just need more lovers, it needs people who actually go out and actively do whatever it is they love. That feeling can grow over time. Like light at the end of the tunnel, it’s a long haul and it’s also two steps forward, one step back. But it is possible to “fake it ’til you make it.” By that, I do NOT mean that you should try to hide your feelings. What I mean is that the more you are able to focus on the positive, the more the positive will be able to find you. Even if nothing seems positive to you right now, imagination is one leg up over depression.
Either way, whatever you choose: facing what bothers you or distracting yourself with what you love, the work must be yours. You may not feel up to doing anything. But it is for certain that no one else can cure you. As Dr. Wayne Dyer used to say, “no amount of hurting me will heal you.”
I wish you the best life has to offer. If it’s any consolation, I tried everything under the Sun before I found help, but I’m not trying to tell my story and anyway, there were too many things to count, which conspired together to help me heal, not the least of which would be miracles, haha.
"All fascism is a result of a failure of the left to provide a viable alternative." ~ Trotsky
“It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.” ~ Krishnamurti
July 3, 2019 at 3:04 AM #83259
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