Panic attacks and disability

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      David the Gnome
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      • Total Posts: 3,230

      I am in the early stages right now, of what I know will be another powerful attack.  I don’t like to talk about it, or think about it, because if and when I do it strengthens the likelihood that I will have another and that it will be worse than the one before.  So, if I tell you, whatever you do, dont think about pink elephants, what are you going to think about?

      For me, it began this morning when I woke.  A feeling of unreality, like i was outside myself looking in.  Some call it dissacoiation, tunnel vision, whatever, I just call it fucking weird and scary.  With every passing minute the strange feeling of an unknown threat continues to rise.

      I feel it in my head, in my chest, in my stomach.  In my arms and legs that will soon begin to shake.  I reach for my phone to call someone, anyone to help talk me down and distract me, but no one I know is available to talk at this hour.

      So I take another half mg lorazepam pill (my second this morning) and hope that will help.  My mind is flying at ten million miles per hour, heart beating like a drum – I know it is going to get worse.  I take deep breaths – then get paranoid that my breathing is off.

      I start to worry that i am having a heart attack or stroke, that something is wrong.  That i am dying or finally going completely mad.  This feeling, for me, will climax in a 30-45 minute bout of intense shaking, I might cry this time, I don’t know, been a while since I’ve had one this bad.

      I know that most days this will happen, to one degree or another.  So, when I somewhat recover in a few hours, i will return to my daily process of distraction.  A book, a game, another ridiculous vampire show in netflix.

      I will look around the house, feeling overwhelmed because it looks like a damn tornado went off in the kitchen.  Dishes, mess, so much to do, but my back hurts, and I cant hold still enough to focus on the task.

      Rinse, repeat.  Some times I get desperate, I think about calling 911, even though I know there isnt a damn thing they can do for me but increase my medical debt.

      So I wont.  I’ll post about my latest existential nightmare here at JPR – and wonder if there is any point, any purpose, in living with this shit day after day.  In time, I will feel better, some level of hope and optimism will return.  Yet I know I will never feel “normal”, never experience a day where I dont have some fear that the next attack is right around the corner.

      Doctors, therapists, nurses, psychiatrists, so many people I have seen who seem to have good advice.  If only I could follow it.  If only this mad shit and the medication I take for it didnt dull my mind and reduce my energy so much.

      I remind myself that this will pass, it always does.  Then tomorrow I will remember there are bills to pay, things to do, so many things.  I might get through half of them if I am lucky.  I will feel bad about the other half, get more depressed and overwhelmed and eventually have another attack.

      Rinse, repeat.  Could be I’ll lose my SSI with this new legislation, like I already lost the food stamps.  Could be they will cut Medicaid until I cant even get my medication anymore.  Could be I’ll get that new fucking virus and die.

      This shit, it sucks – and it hurts enough that only those who have experienced it can understand.  I feel so lost… I can only remind myself, for the billionth time, that this too shall pass.

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