Panic attacks and disability
January 29, 2020 at 12:44 PM - Views: 32 #258326David the GnomeParticipant
- Total Posts: 3,230
I am in the early stages right now, of what I know will be another powerful attack. I don’t like to talk about it, or think about it, because if and when I do it strengthens the likelihood that I will have another and that it will be worse than the one before. So, if I tell you, whatever you do, dont think about pink elephants, what are you going to think about?
For me, it began this morning when I woke. A feeling of unreality, like i was outside myself looking in. Some call it dissacoiation, tunnel vision, whatever, I just call it fucking weird and scary. With every passing minute the strange feeling of an unknown threat continues to rise.
I feel it in my head, in my chest, in my stomach. In my arms and legs that will soon begin to shake. I reach for my phone to call someone, anyone to help talk me down and distract me, but no one I know is available to talk at this hour.
So I take another half mg lorazepam pill (my second this morning) and hope that will help. My mind is flying at ten million miles per hour, heart beating like a drum – I know it is going to get worse. I take deep breaths – then get paranoid that my breathing is off.
I start to worry that i am having a heart attack or stroke, that something is wrong. That i am dying or finally going completely mad. This feeling, for me, will climax in a 30-45 minute bout of intense shaking, I might cry this time, I don’t know, been a while since I’ve had one this bad.
I know that most days this will happen, to one degree or another. So, when I somewhat recover in a few hours, i will return to my daily process of distraction. A book, a game, another ridiculous vampire show in netflix.
I will look around the house, feeling overwhelmed because it looks like a damn tornado went off in the kitchen. Dishes, mess, so much to do, but my back hurts, and I cant hold still enough to focus on the task.
Rinse, repeat. Some times I get desperate, I think about calling 911, even though I know there isnt a damn thing they can do for me but increase my medical debt.
So I wont. I’ll post about my latest existential nightmare here at JPR – and wonder if there is any point, any purpose, in living with this shit day after day. In time, I will feel better, some level of hope and optimism will return. Yet I know I will never feel “normal”, never experience a day where I dont have some fear that the next attack is right around the corner.
Doctors, therapists, nurses, psychiatrists, so many people I have seen who seem to have good advice. If only I could follow it. If only this mad shit and the medication I take for it didnt dull my mind and reduce my energy so much.
I remind myself that this will pass, it always does. Then tomorrow I will remember there are bills to pay, things to do, so many things. I might get through half of them if I am lucky. I will feel bad about the other half, get more depressed and overwhelmed and eventually have another attack.
Rinse, repeat. Could be I’ll lose my SSI with this new legislation, like I already lost the food stamps. Could be they will cut Medicaid until I cant even get my medication anymore. Could be I’ll get that new fucking virus and die.
This shit, it sucks – and it hurts enough that only those who have experienced it can understand. I feel so lost… I can only remind myself, for the billionth time, that this too shall pass.
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