Seven Drunken Nights

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      eridani
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      • Total Posts: 11,916

      This old chestnut has dozens of versions.  The following is mine.

      As I went home on Monday night
      As drunk as drunk could be
      I saw a horse outside the door
      Where my horse ought to be
      Well, I called me wife and I said to her:
      Will you kindly tell to me
      Whose horse is that outside the door
      Where my horse ought to be?

      Ah, you’re drunk, you’re drunk you silly old fool
      So drunk you cannot see
      That’s nothing but a milking cow
      That me mother sent to me
      Well, it’s through the world I’ve traveled
      A thousand miles or more
      But a saddle on a milking cow
      I never have seen before

      As I went home on Tuesday night
      As drunk as drunk could be
      I saw a coat behind the door
      Where my coat ought to be
      Well, I called me wife and I said to her:
      Will you kindly tell to me
      Whose coat is that behind the door
      Where my coat ought to be

      Ah, you’re drunk, you’re drunk you silly old fool
      So drunk you cannot see
      That’s a nothing but a blanket
      That me mother sent to me
      Well, it’s through the world I’ve traveled
      A thousand miles or more
      But buttons on a blanket
      I never have seen before

      As I went home on Wednesday night
      As drunk as drunk could be
      I saw a pipe upon the chair
      Where my pipe ought to be
      Well, I called me wife and I said to her:
      Will you kindly tell to me
      Whose pipe is that upon the chair
      Where my pipe ought to be

      Ah, you’re drunk, you’re drunk you silly old fool
      So drunk you cannot see
      That’s nothing but a whistle
      That me mother sent to me
      Well, it’s through the world I’ve traveled
      A thousand miles or more
      But tobacco in a whistle
      I never have seen before

      As I went home on Thursday night
      As drunk as drunk could be
      I saw two boots beneath the bed
      Where my boots ought to be
      Well, I called me wife and I said to her:
      Will you kindly tell to me
      Whose boots are those beneath the bed
      Where my boots ought to be

      Ah, you’re drunk, you’re drunk you silly old fool
      So drunk you cannot see
      They’re just two lovely flowerpots
      Me mother sent to me
      Well, it’s through the world I’ve traveled
      A thousand miles or more
      But laces on a flowerpot
      I never have seen before

      As I went home on Friday night
      As drunk as drunk could be
      There’s a head upon the pillow
      Where my head ought to be
      Well, I called me wife and I said to her:
      Will you kindly tell to me
      Whose head is on the pillow
      Where my head ought to be

      Ah, you’re drunk, you’re drunk you silly old fool
      So drunk you cannot see
      That’s nothing but a cabbage
      That me mother sent to me
      Well, it’s through the world I’ve traveled
      A thousand miles or more
      But a mustache on a cabbage
      I never have seen before

      As I went home on Saturday night
      As drunk as drunk could be
      I saw two hands upon her breasts
      Where my hands ought to be
      Well, I called me wife and I said to her:
      Will you kindly tell to me
      Who owns them hands upon your breasts
      Where my hands ought to be

      Ah, you’re drunk, you’re drunk you silly old fool
      So drunk you can not see
      That’s nothing but a night gown
      That me mother sent to me
      Well, it’s through the world I’ve traveled
      A thousand miles or more
      But fingers in a night gown
      I never have seen before

      As I went home on Sunday night
      As drunk as drunk could be
      I saw a thing in her thing
      Where my thing ought to be
      Well, I called me wife and I said to her:
      Will you kindly tell to me
      Whose thing is that in your thing
      Where my thing ought to be

      Ah, you’re drunk, you’re drunk you silly old fool
      So drunk you cannot see
      That’s nothing but a sausage
      That me mother sent to me
      Well, it’s through the world I’ve traveled
      A thousand miles or more
      But a condom on a sausage
      I never have seen before

      Jesus: Hey, Dad? God: Yes, Son? Jesus: Western civilization followed me home. Can I keep it? God: Certainly not! And put it down this minute--you don't know where it's been! Tom Robbins in Another Roadside Attraction

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