The Barbarian Onion: Debbie Wasserman's Schultz's Shocking Confession!
Congresswoman Debbie Wasserman Schulz(DWS) was arrested today after she admitted to FBI and Secret Service investigators that it was she who personally mailed pipe bombs to former President Barack Obama, former presidential candidate Hillary Clinton, liberal donor George Soros, and John Brennan at CNN.
A highly placed Justice Department source told CNN that DWS expressed resentment at Mr. Obama for never rewarding her for all of her efforts to promote his “hope and change” political agenda, at Mrs. Clinton for insisting that it was Her turn all of the time, and at Brennan and the intelligence community in general for failing to live up to their ruthless Deep State reputation by allowing President Donald Trump to remain in the Oval Office for this long.
“What about me?”, she reportedly told investigators. “They come down here and campaign for Gillum, and he’s just a lousy mayor. After all that work I did to guarantee Hillary the nomination in 2016, and they wouldn’t even support me for Speaker or whip. I just have had enough of being unappreciated.”
DWS admitted to having help in actually making the pipe bombs, trusting a “redneck” cousin of hers who stores large amounts of fireworks in a shed behind his doublewide trailer in a rural Florida area who agreed to help her because he is a great admirer of President Trump and was more than happy to help his more effete cousin seek revenge on unamerican liberals. Investigators suspect DWS promised him a brand new pickup truck, several automatic weapons, a lifetime supply of MAGA hats, and a face to face with Larry the Cable Guy for his services. DWS denied, however, asking him to target Robert DeNiro or Maxine Waters, though she reportedly said including Waters was a “nice touch” by her cousin, because she really is that irritating to real Democrats.
The Justice Department source said the cousin’s identity would be released after he is questioned by both the FBI and the Secret Service.
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