This sickness is making me crazy

  • Author
  • #182025

    David the Gnome
    • Total Posts: 1,170

    Well, crazier, perhaps.  :)

    My whole life, I have struggled with psychological issues, depression and anxiety primarily.  In most ways, it is a curse, yet in others, it can be a blessing.  Without my own struggle, I would not have known that such pain existed, I might have been more ignorant, less empathetic.  On the other hand – the associated issues make it hard for me to communicate with others in any traditional way.  Agoraphobia, social anxiety, yeah, they suck.  So many labels we have now, so many medications, so many variations of a diagnosis for that which we do not truly understand.

    Anyhow, it is something else that is effecting me now.  Most mornings I wake up in pain.  The back pain is.. hmm, indescribable.  It would be okay, I think, if I had any sense that it was temporary.  I don’t.  Seemingly endless digestive issues, no matter what medication I try, some times its chest pain, some times abdominal, some days it keeps me from going out because I have to be close to a bathroom.  Other days, I have panic attacks that leave me with no energy – on the rare occasion, like yesterday, I must have slept for some 14 hours.  Freaks me out a bit.

    I’m seeing a Doctor, keeping a food journal, doing the traditional medicine thing and the occasional prayer to whom it may concern.  I have a sense though, a nagging feeling that won’t leave me be – that perhaps my time is drawing to an end.  Perhaps its paranoia, or simply a symptom of my anxiety disorder/s.  In any event, whatever may come of me, whether I’m gone tomorrow or live to be 90…  I want to say that the relationships, the friendships I have built with others here have been deeply meaningful to me.  My outlets of communication are few – and here I have one that I have long taken advantage of, I have learned a lot here – and had the opportunity (for which I am grateful) to share many experiences and thoughts.

    There is nothing practical that I could ask for, I am grateful for all that I have.  But, well, I would ask for those who believe in something, your prayers, for those who do not believe in anything beyond here, for your compassion and positive energy in my direction.  Some days are better than others – and I am not nearly as afraid of the reaper as I used to be.  With all the cruelty and madness in this world today, some times I think I am okay with leaving it, if that’s what is coming.

    For all that one may experience in this life, few have ever known me very well – and I have known few people very well.  Some of my closest relationships have been here at JPR, where I feel confident enough to communicate with others in a way beyond small talk, sarcasm, or the typical.  For all of those of you here who have shared in my journey, you have my deepest gratitude.  I can only hope, that there is some grander purpose or plan, something that connects us more deeply than I can imagine, something greater, beyond the petty cruelties and concerns we have all known so well.  Beyond even the truly massive suffering we seem to witness via media every day.

    However things turn out, I’m grateful to be part of JPR and to have known people of such compassion and integrity.

  • #182084

    • Total Posts: 69

    Hang in there, Man.

    All of us here want good things for you.

  • #182088

    A Simple Game
    • Total Posts: 402

    I hit the like button, but I certainly don’t like the ordeal that you are going through.  Good luck David and keep hunting for the cause(s).  We are on your side, even if only in our thoughts and typed words.

  • #182089

    • Total Posts: 4,512

    Nothing I can do, but to let you know your writing is appreciated her by myself any many others. I hope you find relief.

  • #182149

    Ohio Barbarian
    • Total Posts: 7,230

    I never know what to say about things like this. Hope to see you back writing, for I miss your writing. Destiny is all.

    We know now that Government by organized money is just as dangerous as Government by organized mob.--Franklin Delano Roosevelt

    With Bernie Sanders, we have the receipts. --Nina Turner

  • #182150

    • Total Posts: 550

    Wishing you the best!

  • #182157

    • Total Posts: 145

    Ive always enjoyed your writing, David. Hang in there, man. I dont wish to be out of line, but i suffer from anxiety issues, (im a worry wart), and for me, ive found great relief from really strong, good quality cbd oral spray. I still worry a lot, but problems dont seem insurmountable. It takes a week or two to really get in your system, but i swear its helped my multiple herniated discs. Keep up the quality writing writing, David.

    • #182212

      • Total Posts: 629

      I was going to suggest CBD oil as well but he needs to check it out with any drug interactions. I have read and heard it does help with many things. Particularly anxiety, inflammation and pain. Just started my cat on it and in three days she is showing improvement.

      Animals know more than we do.

  • #182839

    • Total Posts: 3,354

    You are one of the best OP writers on this board.  Any chance of accessing medical marijuana?

    The two most common substances in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

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