Waking up this morning, the first thing I noticed was that, cool, I slept for seven hours. The next thing was… anxiety. Many mornings, it gets intense shortly after waking. It was an 8 on a scale of one to ten. Feels more like a 4 or 5 now.
My thoughts chase each other in circles in my head. What is that pain in my chest? Anxiety. Why am I coughing? Because I smoke, really got to quit again. Why do I obsess about everything so much? I wish I knew.
Every day I am doing my best to improve. Yoga, deep breathing, meditation, walking – I even tried QiGong (YouTube videos) for the first time yesterday – it was pretty cool. I’m trying to eat a little better, to focus more, to let go of the greater part of my stress and find acceptance.
All the while I am asking myself… Will I ever really get better? Can I? All of this effort, even the therapy and medication, yet some times I still feel like a total basket case.
I want to begin a career some day. I would like to write books – but often the struggle with, well, myself, consumes most of my energy and focus. Read more so I think less. Move more to improve how I feel, do better (at least try to) every day.
Some times it is so exhausting…
Still, I am really fighting back for the first time in years. I am no longer content with my old self narrative, of being weak, disabled, broken. I am determined to be better. At the very least, I am learning to accept my feelings more than I outright ignore and reject them.
Eh. Life is strange and so am I. Thanks for reading!
