JPR Mental Health Support Group

Memories, weird thoughts and paranoia

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    • #370580
      David the Gnome
      • Total Posts: 3,532

      Lately I’ve been doing a lot of thinking – bad for me, I know – and yes, it does hurt a bit.  Anyhow, I’ve been looking back on much of my life, old regrets, old worries… and some newer ones and asking myself what I can do differently now – how I can change.  For the billionth time, of course, but the older I get the more it, at times, feels urgent.  My family – and my therapist, encourage me to write for a living.  It is easy to do as a hobby, but… I don’t know that I have the proper skills for it.  Sentence structuring, grammar, punctuation… all pretty tough.  I am not normally a perfectionist, but when it comes to anything I write I am.

      I had a doctor’s appointment yesterday for some bad ear pain.  The first thing they do is put you up on the scale… and it wasn’t a huge shock, really, but in the last three years I’ve gained about sixty pounds.  At (barely) 5’8, 240 is a lot.  I know its my diet – too much cheap stuff and I’m not much of a cook.  I don’t exercise like I should, my social life is nonexistent – and my ties with my family have grown weaker, we communicate a lot less than we used to.  I’m on three medications for mental health issues… and I’ve been on sertraline for over twenty years – and lorazepam on and off for almost as long.  The long-term use of benzodiazopine (spelling is probably off) drugs is linked to dementia and alzheimers – and according to various things I’ve read can actually effectively lower your IQ.

      I’ve probably had some sort of brain fog for many years – but for some reason I notice it a lot more now than I used to.  If I suddenly get off the medications, my anxiety becomes so extreme that I can’t function at all.  Or so it has always been in the past.

      I guess that I look at my life and I am not happy with how I have done things, who I have been.  What I haven’t done.  I know no one is perfect, but the more I look at it in my own sort of self deprecating way, the more I think that overall, my life has been shit.  Haven’t done much good for anyone else, the place I live, my family… my town.  I haven’t had real friends outside of the internet in… many years.  Now I can’t even figure out how to try, given the covid19 and social restrictions (both the legal and the self imposed kind).

      Am I going crazy?  When I think about my own thoughts, or my own mind – I refer to it as, well, “it” more than than I do as “I”, or “me”.  Given that, it is almost as if there are at least two of me.  One is the normal me that plays along with a sort of… I don’t know, pre-written script every day.  The other “me” is the one that thinks about it, asks if I’m happy or satisfied with what I am doing and have done.  Perhaps it makes more sense in terms of the “consciousness and super consciousness”, or, “ID, Ego and super ego”.  I don’t know.

      This time of year blows.  Much colder, much darker (feels like its always dark, and our skies are often grey for most of the winter) and I know that my seasonal struggle is only beginning.

      There are things I want to change, about myself, about how I live and what I do – but when I think about doing them, I feel hopelessly frustrated and overwhelmed.  My therapist tells me to take small steps – and I’m taking a few, but I seem to get discouraged or stressed out way too easily.  Then I do everything I know that I shouldn’t.  Smoke more, eat junk, play video games instead of doing something good with my time.  Just… today, I really don’t like me very much.

    • #370596
      • Total Posts: 11,133

      He/She is right. That’s all you can do. Even small progress is progress. Also you can’t rewrite the past. Try not to dwell on it. Are there any opportunities for volunteer work in your area? Focusing on helping others can help your self esteem and take your mind off your problems. (It doesn’t have to be helping people. Helping animals is good too.)

      Good luck.

      (As far as winter coming, I have a friend who uses one of those light boxes and she says it helps.)




    • #370615
      • Total Posts: 2,393

      Good suggestion @pam2. What about volunteering at the library to help tutor some of the kids in your area? You have the ability and ‘they’ say that in order to help yourself, help someone else. Also library’s might be helpful to a writer in progress….you’re ok my friend. I don’t like myself sometimes either, I think we are all alike in that way…at least those of us here on JPR. Are you interested in gardening? If so you could get started on a garden. I find that when I get out into nature and walk, no matter how weak I feel (I use hiking poles for security and to help my back)I feel wonderful when I finish and that inspires me to do it again the next day. Pretty soon you feel horrible if you don’t get out there and walk even if it’s just a little way. Just some thoughts David, try not to beat up on yourself it isn’t helpful. *hugs*

      "Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it’s the only thing that ever has." — Margaret Mead

    • #370620
      • Total Posts: 9,177

      The older I get, the more I think about various mistakes I made. Sometimes it’s pretty consequential, like the time I screwed up an election. Other things are smaller, like the times I couldn’t find the right words to say to someone who was feeling pain. As I approach my senility, it all runs together. Weird.

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