In Tulsa, Oklahoma on Saturday, in front of a half-empty stadium, Donald Trump drank a glass of water and deeply owned everyone. They said it couldn’t be done in four years and he did it in three and a half, folks. Despite the fact that he claims to not have time to read Twitter, Trump responded to a trend of ableist online derision about the way he drinks water not by critiquing it for its scattershot pettiness, but by accepting it on its merits.
Some people online seem to have enough spare time and the capacity to make fun of the president for holding a glass with two hands, as if the whole concept of having a human body and using it to do things isn’t already a universally strange one. Imagine how we must look to dogs with our fancy stemware that we got for a wedding gift and never use and our opposable thumbs. But do dogs mock us? No, they do not. They let us do what we must to hydrate so as to keep the sacred, centuries-long peace between species. But we are unfortunately not dogs, and that’s how we ended up with this president, eschewing the opportunity to lead and instead giving into the the lowest of our increasingly minuscule common denominators by performing the consumption of a glass of water, this time with one hand. Well, let me be the first to say “mission: accomplished.” Apparently the water glass thing is the only thing we’ve got against him, despite the fact that it is not a thing. So the jig is up. Put that in your highball and gulp it.
Not only did he drink the water glass filled with liberal tears, but he then threw it away. Tossed! To the side! Yes, to prove his total control over the situation (that situation being a country in the grips of multiple crises, all of them escalating), he sipped from a water glass and then chucked it to the side of the stage like he was a Dynasty character hurling a coupe of burnt champagne into a fireplace. Remarkable!